God is bigger than my off-days. It is terribly simple, but it is a lesson I am learning as today goes on. This morning I got up for early – way too early – 6:30 am Mass. It’s especially early if you don’t go to bed too early the night before, which was the mistake I made last night. Needless to say, merely keeping my eyes open during Mass was a complete struggle. I. Was. So. Distracted. I kept trying to focus, and then my mind would go off again, and I increasingly got more and more frustrated. But then the Lord reminded me of something.
It’s not about me at all.
I had fallen into a simple trap. I was thinking that God is only present with me, God is only doing work in me, if I am completely focused and feeling His presence. I was only His beloved if I was not distracted at all from the readings, if I was completely loving the sacrifice of getting up early for Mass, if I was basking in His love. My pride had – without my even realizing it – manifested itself in such a way again that my spiritual life was becoming about me. But what He told me in that moment was, “Grace, look at Me. I am here. I am enough. Do not worry or fret about how little and weak you are, I love you. You are distracted and sleepy, but I see you as my little child. I delight in you, especially now.”
I didn’t miraculously start to focus the rest of Mass, but I had peace in the fact that God is God and I am not. And not only that, but even in that tired and gross state, I was good to Him. A newborn baby is not less pleasing to his parents because he can’t stay awake for long periods of time, because he can’t hold a conversation with his parents, and because he can’t really do anything for them. The parents delight in this child because he is theirs, and because he is beautiful. Sometimes I feel so much like a little newborn when it comes to my relationship with the Lord… I can’t stay awake, I can’t really do much, He doesn’t need me… but He loves me, as parents love their newborn. We can be quite gross at times – like any newborn – but He is quite fond of us.
He doesn’t ask us to be perfect, He doesn’t ask us to show Him we’re worthy of peace and grace… He simply asks for our “yes.” He asks us to say with His beautiful Mother, “Be it done unto me according to Your Word.” He asks us to open our to Him. Why? Because He delights in us without conditions. Have you ever heard of a newborn baby not receiving the love their parents are giving them? It’s not a thing, they receive it all in trust that their parents have their best good in mind. God knows our best good and loves us enough to guide us to it.
The world might tell us to grow up, but don’t. Become a newborn. Receive His love, He delights in you.